I have never been camping. Is that weird? And the older I get I have no desire to ever do it. My parents never took us when we were young. Our trips consisted of going to the beach or somewhere with a hotel for us to stay in - God bless them. Everyone I know that goes camping loves it and always says "you have to come with us next time" but honestly it doesn't sound like fun to me. I mean, if I want to drink my face off, listen to the grateful dead and smoke pot all night I can do that at home...with air conditioning...running water...a toilet...and a bed! I know, it's not the same. Where's the campfire? the Roasted marshmallows? Who cares, I'd rather make breakfast in the morning in my kitchen, or go to the diner for some grub.

We had some friends that hiked the Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine and when they got to our area a bunch of us me them at the camp site that they were crashing at to hang out, party, etc. I even considered staying the night until we got there and it was pouring down rain. It was all muddy and infested with mosquitos. We ended up going home and let me tell you...my warm, dry bed felt goood that night.

I'm pretty lame huh? Am I the only non-camper out there?

I have absolutely nothing to blog about...I am thinking Osbasso is onto something with the whole "crisis of imagination" poisoning some of us. I usually have a lot to talk about and funny, clumsy, crap happens to me all the time...Not this week. At least nothing worth writing about. I was about to get into the shower this morning and standing in front of the mirror realized that I have a TON of bruises on my legs! I generally bruise pretty easily but this is ridiculous! I look like a crack whore. Then, as I went to hop into the tub I didn't lift my leg high enough because ummm, I'm special? and bruised my shin! Glad I'm going to the beach this weekend and have to put a bathing suit on so everyone can see my skank legs.

Anyway, I had a very strange dream the other night and generally when this happens I think about it, try to analyze it then promptly forget about it after a good night of drinking vodka and wiping the brain cells clean. This one is weighing on me a little bit more. I can't seem to get this one out of my head. So, for any dream analysts out there, if you know what the hell this means let me know:

So I'm laying in my bed in my original bedroom in the house that I grew up in. It's late but I'm not fully asleep when my best friend walks in as if just off of work or something. She hops into my bed (nothing sexual, that's just the way it was growing up, if I wasn't at her house she was at mine, blah, blah...). So, I say something like, oh I didn't even hear the alarm go off how did you get in, whatever... I open the shade - the window is just above my head over the bed, and it is a dim, dusky kind of color outside BUT that's not it. We see this castle looking thing coming out of the sky. It looks almost heavenly and it's almost touching down on our street. She tells me to grab the camera so I do and I go to snap a shot and as I'm holding the button down it won't click but the shade slowly closes itself and as soon as it closes completely to the point where you can no longer see the 'castle' the camera shutter goes off. So we both get really freaked out and I am like what the hell was that? She tells me to go wake my mom up and I am just scared stiff. Then, I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I actually almost did call my mom. It was about 5:30am. I know that doesn't sound so crazy once I write it down but why can't I stop thinking about it? It was weird, weird, weird!

My sweets and I are going to the beach this weekend and it's raining...that means we are going to just drink our faces off all weekend. Oh well, maybe that will warrant some good stories, but no good pic's b/c the cam is still out being repaired (sniff, sniff)

Have a fun, safe weekend everyone!

Half - Nekkid Thursday

CLOSE UP OF THE ACTION

Okay, so here is my HNT (<-- click if you need an explanation) post. Since I don't have my lovely little camera because it's broken (sniff, sniff) I am using a "reserve" picture. This is my sweet one's dad. He is in his 70's and one of the funniest, nicest people in the world. Sorry fellas, I know it's not the sexiest picture and it pales in comparison to last week's post but it is what it is. The boys were building a deck in the sweltering heat (hence the wetness...yum). The silly fella told me to get lost or he would flash me since there wasn't a chance I was going out there to help! Well, he wasn't kidding. And his cute little tee shirt turned into a billboard for profanity. I LOVED it! Enjoy. And happy Half-Nekkid Thursday everyone!

Okay, this is the last complaint I'm gonna make this week (yeah right). So, after the most horrible day I had yesterday I was all ready to chill out and relax last night, and maybe even have that martini (or six) that I wanted when BOOM (goes the dynamite, he he), the power goes out! On the hottest night in history my freakin street loses power. Thank god for my sweet one. I tried to stick it out for a few hours, reading Harry Potter by candle light but that got old, and hot! Went over to the sweet one's house and crashed. I am so tired today so I am sure to be a grouch. Time for some COFFEE!!!

One more...

Okay, now that I've started I can't stop! This KILLS me ladies! I was in the bathroom that has about 7+ stalls. I was the ONLY one in the bathroom yet the woman that came in went right into the stall next to mine. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? who does that? I mean honestly. When I go to a public, or semi public in this case, bathroom my main objective is to not use the stall directly next to one that is in use! Why are people tormenting me today? I need a martini...

I wish I was still here!

I wish I was still here!
Originally uploaded by the funky bee.

So so sad...

I am so very sad. My beautiful little digital camera is broken! I have had it for less than a month and the zoom won't work. It is a great camera and I always have it with me (you just never know when those great photo opp's will arise) but now I have to send it back to the manufacturer and it may take up to 14 days or so they say! In real people talk that could be months. That is so depressing to me...

I think I am also just having one of those sad days. Nothing is making me happy. My co-workers are totally bugging the hell out of me. It's 9 billion degrees outside and feels like your walking through soup. I have a stack of bills that I have to get to (yuck). I have a TON of work to do yet I have been motivated to do not one bit of it today! AND I need to get a Paypal account onto a web site that I am finishing up and I am totally confused! I even talked to a Paypal customer service dude who was utterly and completely no help at all. I had to prompt him to speak! People are so freakin incompetent! I wish it was raining so I could not feel bad about wanting to go home, curl up on the couch and veg. I think I'll do that anyway.

Okay, I wore underwears again today. Mainly because I have a skirt on and it's kind of on the short side BUT DAMMIT! They are so up my ass I am considering just taking them off. AND, they aren't even thongs this time. They are the boy short kind. I thought they were so cute when I bought them. They are striped with pretty colors, but still up the old crackeroo. This is too much for me. I can't take it. Who invented these stupid things!

Clarification...

On the picture below...HE is what my best friend has been doing. I am not friends with him but I am getting to know all about him through her...lucky bitch!

HOT

HOT
Originally uploaded by the funky bee.

Okay, first things first...and most importantly, this is what one of my best friends is currently doing!! He is in Men's Health and Men's Fitness this month. He should be every month if you ask me...Can you imagine that body in front of you, I would want to just touch it constantly, lucky bitch!

Okay, now onto the breakdown of the weekend. Ahhh the beach with the ladies. Here's how it went down, the short version (if I can manage to make it short)of course.

1. My liver needs a bath.
2. Laying on the beach sunning your buns has got to be the best way to relax.
3. The amount of drugs and alcohol that ran through my body this weekend causing me a major all day Sunday hangover has got to be the punishment for the relaxing and laying at the beach.
4.I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle on Saturday night! I don't exactly look like Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber but I feel like it. When I felt the beer bottle hit my teeth (and I wasn't feeling much at that point) I really thought that my two front teeth HAD to be gone - someone in front of me fell backwards onto my bottle. Thankfully it's just one tooth. And one of my best friends that was with us this weekend is a dental hygentist so I already got the tooth fixed today thank god!
5. Men - married, single, gay, straight, whatever, they are all the same! We met a bachelor party of about 25 guys from LOOWWNG ISLAND, NY staying at our hotel. Their accents alone made you think Tony Soprano was going to come around the corner with a silenced handgun to finish us all off. Although they were all hilarious and a ton of fun it just makes you wonder. There was one who just so happens left his wedding ring in his room that night. Personally I think that is so disgusting! Give me a break. Was he going out looking to hook up with someone? Does he think that his "dad" appearance wasn't completely evident to every woman that passed him (he was in his 40's and looked like he should be taking his kids out for ice cream) and what does he think that everyone will make of his wedding ring tan line? What a tool! Maybe it was the atmosphere, that place does crazy things to people but yuck...that's all I can say! BUT don't get me wrong, the rest of them made up for it. They were funny as hell and proceeded to make us drinks for hours. There is nothing like drinking mixed drinks all afternoon that you don't have to make or PAY FOR. We just sat in the pool like pruny old ladies while we were being waited on hand and foot.
6. Drinking jell-o shooters out of a syringe like contraption is not sexy. Do you know what you look like with a mouth full of alcohol soaked jell-o? Not cute - but after a few it doesn't really matter anymore I guess! The cocktail waitresses actually walk around and shoot these things into your mouth. I'm talking about it so I guess it's made some kind of impact.
7. Is there any way to get brain cells back? Can I buy them somewhere?
8. My damn digital camera is broken! This place obviously effect everything that steps foot in it.
9. No matter how many hot guys you come across, and because you come across a lot that are NOT, this place makes you appreciate home and the person that is there waiting for you. Especially since I do have a hot piece of ass waiting for me!
10. Constantly rubbing your tongue over a chipped front tooth looks suggestive. And rubs a raw spot into your tongue.
11. I took my sneakers and work out clothes to the beach with me. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
12. For every healthy thing that went into my mouth 16 awful pieces of junk food went in after it. I started off doing well and guilting myself into not participating in the 3am pizza and french fry binge. That lasted about 10 minutes! Can't wait for the trainer to come tomorrow morning.
13. My liver hurts
14. I have a new appreciation for the poor guys that actually come up to girls and talk to them. You know who I'm talking about ladies. The one's that you think, how did he have the balls to approach me? Well, this is the guy that will eventually get lucky and find a chick that is ready to party...with him! The other assholes that think they are too cool to talk to women will just sit against the wall like at a 7th grade dance. I have seen it happen a million times so to all of the guys that actually get up the nerve to talk to the ladies - Rock On! You might get shot down...a lot...but you can't succeed if you don't try.

So, that's that. The beach was a blast. We partied too much. I'm home, I'm exhausted, and I'm happy. The end...Fuck, I have to go to work tomorrow. Not so happy anymore.

*sorry - no pictures of the madness. Maybe I'll use one for this week's HNT...

Just got home and BOY are my nipples hard!

Okay, no - I am not super excited to be home. The nips are hard because I walked in my door and it is COLD in here! I am so PUMPED...I have been living with a broken air conditioner for the last two days. And I know I sound like a huge wimp but number one it has been hot as balls out and number two I am a rotten bitch when I'm hot (he he...take that however you'd like). Sweet, sweet icy coldness. I am going to turn the a.c. down to about 50 and just run around the house stark naked...because I can.

Okay so nuff about that. I am going to the beach with the girls today and I can not wait! Laying on the beach frying our bums all day long, drinking until we can't see straight, talking about people (because we are SO perfect), reading trashy magazines because celebrities are normal and we should strive to be just like them and then it's out to the bars to join the rest of the drunken fools! We are going to Dewey Beach, also known by some as Do Me beach...I personally have the hottest, sexiest, kindest man around so I won't be participating in any whoring around this weekend but I really hope I'll be witnessing a lot of it! It's basically a bunch of 20 - 40 year old's walking around like horny drunken teenagers...my kind of party! I plan to be completely intoxicated the entire weekend, which also means no blogging for me. I'll try and remember some entertaining stories for next week and I will absolutely try and come back with some memorable pictures...maybe a little somethin for next week's HNT. Wow, this week isn't even over and I'm already thinking of next HNT. It really is addicting!

Have a safe, wonderful weekend everyone!
SMOOCHES...

Half - Nekkid Thursday!

As promised, this is my first contribution to HNT and I decided I'd better go big or go home...so, here is my big, thonged arse...Enjoy!

*Note to pervs - this (the nakedness of me) won't be a regular occurrence so enjoy it while you got it!

Half - Nekkid Thursday

Half - Nekkid Thursday
Originally uploaded by the funky bee.

I am O-ficially the biggest dork I know! I just went to CVS pharmacy, of all places, and bought the new Harry Potter book! I didn't go there for that specifically, that would have been kind of crazy, I was just there and they had it...I have been jonesin to get it, but I am not one to pre-order or get in line over night (no offense to those that are) I would much rather be at a bar or doing something else abusive to my body if you know what I mean...

Anyway, before anyone else in cyberspace ruins anymore juicy stuff I figured I would just get it and read it already! PLUS I am going to the beach with my girls this weekend!!! I can not wait (more on that later). So, after I read the trashy magazines that I have been successfully intercepting before the mail box thief gets them, I will have this lovely, 652 page, addictive as hell book to get to! Yipeeee!

Harry eF'n Potter!

Harry eF'n Potter!
Originally uploaded by the funky bee.

rat a tat tat...

ratatattat
Originally uploaded by the funky bee.

GROSSSSSS! This is what I had to deal with this morning! There are sometimes downfalls to living alone!

I went down to the basement this morn to get some laundry done since I haven't done any in oh...about two months, okay hasn't been that long, well, maybe. Anyway...this little guy was just taking a never ending snooze right next to my beer fridge.

I mean, they are so cute and you kind of feel bad for a nano second then, no, not so much. It's a rodent that is in my house and probably has some rodent disease. Plus they multiply so quickly his other ratty cousins probably don't even know he's gone! YUCK! I hate having to dispose of mouse carcass. Do you like my crime scene investigation-like photo? I should have given him a little mousy chalk outline.

I WORE UNDERWEAR TODAY!

Yayy. I'm so proud of myself. BUT, I have had to dig them out of my ass a few hundred times. I guess thongs do that...it's been so long. It's weird though, when you don't wear them for so long and then you do. It's like you expect that someone should notice. Like "wow, did you cut your hair?", "did you lose weight?", "are you wearing underwear today?". That would be great if my boss walked up and said that to me! I mean, it wouldn't, but it would! I have also decided that in wearing underwear I'm not gonna wear them again for quite some time...And I would show you a picture of my thonged bum, but I'm saving that for HNT...

So, I tried to rally yesterday. It was literally a million degrees out and the guys were out working on the deck like fools! There was even a heat advisory but I guess real men disregard those silly little advisories that can cause heat stroke or perhaps kill you. And I guess that is the same train of thought those joggers that you see out in the sweltering heat have. Personally I don't get it. Guess I'll never be a real man...

SO I decided I would go shopping to make myself feel better. I thought I was literally going to heave in the dressing room at one store. I almost went into panic mode because I was like, where the hell will I lose it if I have to? Then the sweat started and the nice flemmy feeling in the back of the throat! Thankfully I found a piece of gum that looked like it was still edible in my purse. That saved me! I still managed to spend almost $200 including some cute little panties (eww I hate that word), underwear? whatever, you get the point, from Victoria's Secret. Now generally I am not an underwear wearing kind of gal. I know, some may be cringing right now but I just feel like they are so restricting. Plus my buns always get hungry and start eating my drawers then I have to constantly pull it out of my ass and that is just so unattractive! I would much rather just be free down there if you know what I mean. But, every now and then a cute little pair just works.

So I got home and the guys were ready for some grub at our fave little Mexican joint. Fajitas and swirlies! But the thought was kind of repulsing and I seriously almost lost my cookies. I went and took a shower and a half a xanax...sometimes you need these little things. And believe it or not I felt about 80%! So, the mexican food was on...Although, I was a good little trainee and had a salad and one hard taco. I also couldn't really fathom eating a whole lot. Maybe that's the key to losing weight...just be hung over all the time and you won't eat. I did however help myself to the delicious queso. You just can't pass up the queso with it's fluorescent yellowish-orange color and it's processed goodness, plus I think my tummy needed it, that is just what I'm going to tell myself anyway...

Anyway, little trainy trainertons came over this morning bright and early. If I can lift my arms to type tomorrow it will be a miracle. She clapped for me at the end of our session because I "worked so hard". Isn't that sweet? Now give me a beer and a bacon cheeseburger! Oh sorry. Well, that's all I got. OOHHH! I lost 4 pounds! I weighed myself this morning and I'm down 4 whole pounds. Only 26 more to go...Woo Hoo!

My head hurts...

I drank a large bottle of champagne and a whole bottle of wine all by myself! I was so proud until I had to release it all into the toilet at about 3am! What a light weight I've become...I couldn't even remember the last time I had puked before last night. And the joke is really on me because the bottle of champagne that I drank was originally a gift to my ex slut, bitch ass boss. She was fired a few months back and it was pretty much the best thing that ever happened in my office. A few of us decided to rummage through the crap that was left behind in her office and there was the sparkly bottle of fancy pants champagne. Since I had to work the closest with the abusive fucker everyone agreed that I should be the proud new owner of the bottle of bubbly. So I decided, what a great way to celebrate. I'll take it home and chill it and bath it and name it Fifi, oh wait, different story...so I decided that last night would be the night we break out the good stuff. Well, none of the men I was hanging with wanted to partake so I filled a large beer mug full of goodness, yes, I am a classy lady! And that is where the trouble began. I used to be such a good little drinker. I was told I was even slurring last night! I would have been kind of proud of that had I not puked. Oh well. I did lay in bed until about 1:30 today partly because my head felt about 900 pounds and I couldn't lift it off of the bed. I am just starting to come around. I need some caffeine and some greasy food, stat! Somehow I don't think today is going to make it into the "food journal"...

Overdraft This...

Does it make sense that when you overdraw your bank account they CHARGE you? I mean, isn't the point that you don't have any money in your account? Where is that $10 fee gonna come from exactly??? I know! I'll pull it right out of my ass!

Thanks Asshole, THANKS!

I work with a bunch of assholes...that can probably be said for just about anyone out there. If I asked you, "what do you think about the people you work with"? What would you say? They're a bunch of assholes, that's what you'd say. Well my assholes are worse than yours okay? I can go into a gazillion stories on how and why but right now we're going to focus on the thievery part of things...

So I have realized that there is someone out there STEALING from my damn work mailbox. I know that sounds totally queer because who the hell cares about mail that comes to your work mail box? Well, unfortunately I do. What comes in my mail box is very precious to me! It's lots and lots of cheesy, trashy magazines that I have decided I can't live without because I am shallow and depend on the lives of celebrities for entertainment. I am 'lucky' - if you want to use that word - to work in an industry that rewards you with free publications, mainly because we spend our money advertising in them, but who cares about that, I get free shit and that's all I'm concerned with here.

Now, the mag's that I get can be really good and really bad. For instance they run the gamut from US Weekly, Star, People, Vanity Fair, Blender, Sports Illustrated, Travel, on and on, to The New Yorker, Men's Journal, Newsweek, and some other boring things that smart people like to read. I don't really care what they are to be honest, but what I do care about is that someone seems to think that my mailbox, with magazines addressed to ME, is free reign. It's like my mailbox says library on it and everyone is free to just check out my goods - although, no one really brings anything back so bad analogy on my part, you get the point.

The first time it happened I walked by early in the day and I just didn't feel like grabbing all the junk in my m.box because I'm lazy so when I came back later I just thought, okay, maybe I really took this stuff out and now I can't find it because my desk looks like a bomb went off on it...Then I got pissed because I cleaned up a little and still couldn't find the Star magazine that was going to tell me all of the truths about Jen and Brad, and Brangalina and a new adoption in Africa and why Tom Cruise isn't crazy and how he really does know the history of psychology! The problem is there are a ton of people on my floor and a LOT of people have mailboxes in the same general area so who could I blame without sounding like the frantic chick who is more concerned with her free magazines than her actual work?

Anyway, it happened again today and now I'm ready to start bustin skulls. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY messes with my trashy magazines! Now who's gonna tell me about Ben and Jen's secret island wedding or slutty, whorebag Britney Spears walking around Malibu with her gross, white trash, pregnant belly hanging out? Who I ask? WHO???

Are people that lame that they have to steal my free magazines? Why don't they steal my bosses? He's a guy and he's oh so important, and he has brats at home so he totally doesn't have time to read trashy magazines like I do!!! And now I have been reduced to whining - brilliant! I'm going to find this person. And when I do...I am going to bitch slap then with a People magazine until the ink comes off on their face and they have to walk around with "Jessica Alba: How She Beat Her Heavy Genes " written backwards on their forehead all day.

Well, it's a good thing it's Friday because I'm ready to forget about the trainer and the fact that I can barely walk today. When I do muster up the strength to take my ass out of my chair I look like, well, umm, let's just say I look like I had a long night with a big man...It would be fun if it was true, but in actuality, it's just not an attractive look. So now it's time to go get some much needed alcohol in my system and I hope that the asshole that I work with who keeps stealing my magazines is happy, they have made me completely unproductive, well, not in the blogging sense, but in the working sense, today. Thanks asshole, thanks.

Woke up this morning to a ringing phone at 5:30am. I could kind of see from the blur in my eyes that it was trainy trainertons (to be known from now on as TT). So you use that I'm aware and have been up for hours voice. You know the one...like when someone asks if they woke you up and you say no but you clearly were snoozin! Anyway, TT called in sick. Can a trainer call in sick? Is that allowed? I couldn't decide if I was happy or disappointed by the call. Well, of course I was happy because I could turn my alarm off that was supposed to wake me up in the next 15 minutes and go back to sleep, then get up at about 7:30 and ride my bike. But, I was kind of disappointed because it was going to be over for the week and now it is being prolonged and I have to get up at 5:45am tomorrow!

Well, as you may have guessed I didn't get up at 7:30 to ride my bike. Every time the alarm went off again I just made another excuse and then finally made a deal with myself that I would walk after work and then I slept, and slept some more and at about 8:30 I finally got my lazy ass up to actually get ready for work! I just couldn't get up and sleeping felt soooo good! Even after getting to bed at about 11pm or so last night, which is early for me. I just like sleep, what can I say? What do people that like sleep do when they have children? Do your kids just learn that mommy likes her "grown up juice" and her sleep so leave her alone? or do you have to give up those things for the little monsters? Pheew, I just got light headed thinking about it. So, I really did have plans to walk after work but since I didn't leave the office until almost 7pm and then had to run to the store for dinner stuff (and crap for a work happy hour that we're having tomorrow - apparently I am a party planner now on top of all of my other responsibilities - more on that another time - you know, when you're really ready to be bored to death) and then go home and actually cook, I gave up on the plan. I'm working out tomorrow right?

Anyway, I talked to TT and moved our session up to 6:45 tomorrow so I am pumped about that. 45 more minutes of sleep people! So now that I am starting to become a little less sore it's time to do it all over again. Wooo Hooo.

So I got up this morning and rolled my limp, lifeless body onto the hard wood floor, just hoping that my sore legs would gain some strength to move in time for me to land on my feet. But no, it wasn't happening. Okay, I didn't really roll onto the floor, my legs worked but getting up was hard and slow. However, I did get up and go walking. I wanted to ride my bike through the 7am humidity haze instead of walk, believe me, but one of my tires needed air and I just didn't have the brain power for that this morning. So, I went on a nice power walk. Not the kind of power walk where those weirdo's swing their arms and their hips really quickly, I mean just enough to work up a sweat, which obviously isn't that hard for me.

So, I decided I would haul ass over to the little market in my neighborhood and buy a paper. I wanted to read a story on a local radio dj's wife who died in a car accident this past weekend. It is a very sad story and quite honestly I can't stop thinking about it. BUT, the store wasn't open yet. It's funny what you see when roaming your hood in the early hours of a summer day. Crazy people running. Landscapers trying to unload or dig or do whatever it is they are there to do before it is scorching out. Mom's trying to get those baby fat pounds off by power strolling their brats around (I know that is totally gonna be me one day just because of the mere fact that I'm making fun of them), and the trash men...UUgghh! I was competing with the damn smelly truck for over a block! I had the bad luck of turning the corner and running smack dab into the trash route. At one point I wanted to just help the damn trash guy and dump a few cans for him so that they would speed it up and get the hell out of my way. The smell was killing me and every time I would pass them they would collect all of the walkable garbage, start back up and catch up again! FINALLY I turned the corner to fresh air only to almost get run over by some speedy jerk. I never understood people that rushed to get to work. I mean who cares? I'm late to work just about every day and I love it, but I guess that's just me. I also have a tv on my desk and wear flip flops to work so you can imagine how "strict" the atmosphere is in my office.

Anyway, I'm starting to bore myself so I can imagine if anyone were reading this how amused they would be. Plus I need to get to bed so I can get up for training day #2...Oh LORD the last time I went to bed this early I was in the 9th grade! I hope I can fall asleep. zzzzzzz

Personal Training - Day 1

Okay so the trainer wasn't some huge she-male resembling Nicole Bass. She was actually tiny and in great shape and didn't want to make me run til I puked. She whipped me, I must admit, but I survived. The morning beer was heavier to lift than usual and once in the shower my bar of soap felt kind of like a cinder block, but other than that no problems. It actually felt kind of good getting up at 5:45...NOT! Actually I hate that expression "NOT!" I hated it when it was considered "in" and I hate it even more now, but whatever. It fit and my arms are too tired to go back and figure out something better to write right now.

So I have decided that I am in worse shape than I thought. I mean, I work out on my own every now and then but all it takes is one in shape trainer to push you and actually make you work to realize that your pathetic little work outs weren't ever gonna cut it. Oh and did I mention that I sweat like a banshee? Lord, that must be another sign of being out of shape. I mean, I have always gotten hot easily and I'm definitely a sweater for a girl (mmmm sexy, huh?) but wow...those push up's really put me over the sweaty edge. It also doesn't help that it was almost 100 degrees here today. Okay, not at 6am, but working out even in 75 degree weather apparently makes me sweat, sue me. My trainer must really love me. I just have to convince myself that I'm not her worst client. It's funny because I think I'm sore now but I can't wait until I wake up tomorrow and I can't move! YAYY, I'm gonna feel like a chimp with my knuckles dragging on the ground beside me while I walk.

Oh and by the way, today was the 40th anniversary of the 7-11 Slurpee. BUT, I couldn't even think about partaking in one of those cups o sugar. I am also keeping a food journal for my trainer. I can't wait to see what good choices I think I'm making but are really making me fat...So tomorrow I plan to get up and ride my bike in the morning before work. Let's see if it happens. Then it's personal training day 2 on Wednesday. Oooohh I can't wait! And I bet cyberspace can't wait for the update. Until then...

Some rules were meant to be broken...

breath holding
Originally uploaded by the funky bee.

So, M, J and I spent most of Saturday at the pool. Since none of us are lucky enough to own or belong to our own pool we frequent the pool at M's mom's apartment complex. So let me tell you what you will find at this pool...mostly older people and now and then the occassional child that comes with their grandparent. So, needless to say we were the youngest group there by about a hundred years. It was a beautiful day and the perfect thing to do - lay in the sun and jump in the cool water when we needed to get out of the heat.

Now, the most interesting thing about this pool, that by the way was pristine - clean, clear, etc. was the rules. And the nazi-esque life guards. One male and one female, I think they were Polish - insert joke here. They spoke a foreign language to one another and were very precise with switching positions on time (one in the chair and one at the desk at all times), making people sign in and once the children arrived, calling "adult swim". Didn't you hate adult swim when you were a kid? Ugghh I never understood it but let me tell you, as an adult, I Love it! Even five minutes without the constant screaming and splashing is a blessing. When I have children they are going to be awarded their vocal cords when they turn 18, until then I want silence...he he - kidding...

Anyway, They had these crazy rules posted everywhere. The first experience I had with the rules was "no eating on the lawn chairs". I brought some tasty seedless watermellon for the three of us to munch on and was quickly told that there was no eating unless you were on the upper deck by the entrance. Okay, no big deal. Once on the upper deck J and I came across a list of rules that were hilarious. One of our favorites was something to the effect of "no unnecessary splashing unless as a direct result of normal swimming", but the language was much more assanine. And of course, my favorite of all time, "No Breath Holding". That has to be by far the most amusing sign I have seen at a pool in my lifetime. Now, I'm not a moron, I understand their concern and the fact that you can potentially drown from holding your breath, if you are mentally challenged, BUT seriously people. Who didn't have the contest to see who could hold their breath the longest in the pool? And the ever famous, who can get to the other side, or furthest without taking a breath. I mean, I want to know what the consequences are for "competetive breath holding". Do you get thrown out of the pool? Are you no longer allowed to put your upper half under water? Do you get the dreaded Polish torture treatment? If anything this sign just made me want to hold my breath even more, especially competetively.

So, I'm on the count down to fitness now. Only about 12.5 hours until the "trainer" comes to whip me into shape. If I can move my body afterward I'll let you know how it goes...

me 1

me 1
Originally uploaded by the funky bee.

So, I decided that maybe I should post a picture of myself. I feel like I was a little misleading with the whole "obese" conversation. Not that there is anything wrong with being ob...wait a minute. Yes, there is. And I'm not gonna get all politically correct here because after all, this blog is all about ME! And I am quite obviously not obese.

Anyway, yes, I do need to lose a few pounds but let's call this my "Before" picture. God I hope I don't give up on the personal trainer, and myself, and the lack of sleep I am about to embark on, before I get to the "After" shot in my bikini and Anna Nicole Smith pose... Trim Spa baby!

me 2

me 2
Originally uploaded by the funky bee.

Oh, and because I'm obsessed (and not OBESE - did you know you can spell obese out of obsessed? see you learn things here) here is another picture of me not being grossly overweight...

So, I'm no longer a virgin in the world of blogging. I currently update a couple of blogs but they are pretty much for other people or about other things/groups. This one is gonna be all about ME! And before your like, oh my god, this girl is so into herself, haaang on. You have it all wrong. We all need an outlet right? And this will be mine for now. Even if I am just spewing into cyberspace and no one ever reads about my boring life this will just be my own random blah, blah, blah as I like to call it.

So, here are my ramblings for today. Personal trainers...do we love them or hate them? I'm about to find out first hand. I've decided, well, my mom had decided that this would be a great solution to my obesity problems. Now the "problem" is that I am not obese in any way BUT you have to understand my mother. She and my step dad have been health nuts for quite some time now - I'm talking since before the Jane Fonda days. So, anyone not as trim and fit as them has got to have a problem right? My parents have done it all, South Beach diet, no carbs, the zone, etc, and they don't even need to! My brother and I used to tease them that when they became grandparents they would be giving our kids rice cakes while all of the other grandkids were going to grandma and grandpa's for ice cream and candy...

It's been a problem since I was young. I guess I can recall most vividly around when I was in highschool. I remember going to Jenny Craig with my mom and the consultant or whatever they are called told me that I would have to get a note from my doctor in order to participate in their program because I was at an ideal weight and really shouldn't be trying to lose any. I don't ever remember feeling like I was skinny. As a matter of fact I have always felt as thought I was fat. I know, I know I am sounding like an abused, bulimic girly girl but I am not, I don't think. I'm not denying any mental problems but I like food too much to throw it up after eating it...and the same goes for starving myself. It's just not going to happen. But when I look back at pictures, especially in a bathing suit I am like, whoa, I was tiny! To put this all into perspective, I was voted best body in high school (which totally embarrassed me - is that normal?)...Yikes!

Okay, so things change. Hormones take over, you learn how to cook (pretty well if I do say so myself) and those late nights of drinking until 3am in college and then going to the diner or getting chili and cheese nachos at 7-11 on your way home from the bars finally catch up to you. Okay so I still drink until after 3am sometimes and just might happen to end up at the diner, but it's not as often, my recovery time just isn't the same these days. So, I've decided that it's time to get healthy. I think I could stand to lose about 30 pounds. Those that know me might argue that is too much but we'll just see how well I do with the trainer...I'm only 5'2" and pretty small for the most part. But, I am of Latin descent and have what some might call a JLo booty and some pretty large hoo ha's. I still wear a bikini to the beach and wouldn't be confused as something that has washed up on shore but I would like to look REALLY good in my suit, you know?

So, I am starting with a trainer on Monday at 6am. Her name is April and she took a while to get back to me because she is "training for a fitness competition". Ummm, I could be getting myself in too deep. Did you know that trainers get paid about $70+ an hour/session to come to your house? Man I went into the wrong field! I could be skinny, toned and making bank by now if I didn't like to eat and hate to exercise...ha ha. Well, this should be interesting. I may not be able to type next time I update but come back and check on me. Wish me luck!