So I had a dream about my grandfather on Sunday morning. When I started telling my mom about it I couldn't help but cry. I tried to hold it together but I got that lump in my throat and I couldn't shake it. The weird thing is, I haven't dreamt about him in a long time. The horrible thing is that my alarm clock went off and I hadn't finished the dream. Maybe that's how it was meant to be...

My grandfather died way too young. He was 66. I can't even remember how many years it's been now, maybe 13, might be more but it seems like yesterday. He and I were very close. He was fun, animated, loved life, his family, singing, dancing, traveling, cooking and especially sweets! All the qualities that a perfect grandfather should have. He had been in the merchant marines as a young man and had lots of amazing stories about his travels all around the world that would hold our attention, even as really young children, for hours at a time. Being around him was a joy.

One Friday evening we were all gathering at my aunts house for dinner. I don't think it was any special occasion, just an opportunity for us all to get together. The next day my grandfather and his wife were leaving for a cruise. He LOVED to travel and they were always heading somewhere whether it be Vegas for some fun or New Orleans for some boob watching at Mardi Gras, this guy was a ton of fun.

Anyway, as I drove to my aunts house the only thing I remember is seeing one of the most amazing skies I have ever seen. The clouds were fluffy and parted in just the right way to make the pinks and purples coming from the setting sun one of the most amazing sights I have ever seen. Later I would choose to see this as a sign. Once at my aunts house we all sat around and waited for those that were not yet there. My grandfather still wasn't there after a long while. Although it's all kind of a blur now, I remember the phone ringing, my uncle answered and sharply announced, "David's dead". Those words ripped through me. I heard a scream and confusion but I don't remember any other noise. It was silent. It was confusion and hurt.

Earlier in the afternoon, around the time I saw the brilliant sky, my grandfather was on his way to the bank to get some cash for his trip. While on his way, he was struck by another car traveling at an extremely high rate of speed. He lost consciousness instantly but was alive when the medivac helicopter arrived. Sometime during the flight to the hospital he passed away. Thinking about it even now, after all this time, seems surreal.

My whole family made their way to the hospital. The nurse told us that we were allowed to go in and see him. I remember battling with myself on whether I wanted to see him or not. I really didn't want to remember him in any other way than how I knew him my whole life. The nurse assured me in the end that he didn't look bad and I'm glad I listened to her. It was almost sad how good he looked. The only abnormalities were a small cut on his cheek and of course, the tubes coming from his throat. He looked like he was sleeping, like if we continued to talk to him he would wake up, give us one of his contagious smiles and talk back to us. It wasn't fair. How could he be in one piece, look completely normal and peaceful but not be alive? I had a rush of emotions. I was mad, I was hurt, I was angry, I was confused. It was probably the worst night of my life.

Looking back, I know I should have spoken to someone then. That day changed me. I needed to get it out, I needed to speak to a professional, someone that could help me understand what was going on and how to deal with this very adult thing. Because no matter how much I thought I knew and how adult I thought I was, I was still such a child. I had never had to deal with anything so hard, anything so real. To this day I have some major issues when it comes to loss. I am freakishly worried about everything and everyone close to me. I have suffered from major anxiety and panic attacks. When I can't find someone or they don't arrive where they're supposed to be on time, my mind immediately turns to the worst case scenario and sometimes beyond. I wish I would have dealt with it then so that I wasn't so scared to live for fear of losing some days.

I know they say that time heals but to this day it hurts and I miss my grandfather terribly.