Fuck! I know this is pathetic and so dumb to be harping on but I have to get what happened yesterday off my chest. I am not going into this fishing for compliments or for people to tell me that I'm skinny, be happy, blah, blah, blah. I respect everyone's opinions and comments no matter what you say to me. Okay, bear with me...
So, my mom and my step dad have always been "health conscious". They work out regularly, they eat well, meaning, they don't eat much more than chicken and veggies (BORING), and whether they want to admit it or not, I think they are totally shallow and think that looking good is everything.
SO, since I was young I have been exposed to the aerobics classes, the rice cake era, my mom even took me to Jenny Craig when I was in middle school. They told me that in order to lose the weight I wanted I would have to get a letter from my doctor, meaning, I didn't need to lose that kind of weight. I have always considered myself a little overweight, I have NEVER felt comfortable with my body and this makes me really sad. When I look back at pictures of myself in middle school, high school, college and think what an IDIOT I must be! I was thin! I had a great body and I could never see it!
I have battled my "weight issues" all my life. I've abused laxatives, I've taken prescription diet pills illegally, I've taken every supplement from GNC you could think of and I've been on every, EVERY diet you could imagine. The damage I've done to my body is probably way beyond any good I've ever done. And I don't think ANYONE can relate to this unless it's something you have or you do go through, and I understand that.
Lately I've been feeling pretty good about myself. I've been going to the gym about 3 -4 times a week, I eat pretty well as it is, I admit I splurge every now and then but who doesn't? And that's not something I will ever deprive myself of. I'm of the opinion that if you work out and take care of yourself then you deserve a treat. I also love to cook and The Sweet One and I have a shared passion for food, it's not something I'm ashamed of what so ever. AND of course, the big one...I drink. I like to drink. During the week I am not out of control, I MAY drink one night out of the week but on the weekends I let loose and I don't see anything wrong with that either.
Well, TSO and I spent this past weekend with my mom. We had a great weekend and we all really enjoyed ourselves. When I got into work on Monday morning I had a message from my mom. She had called me at 4am! She told me that she was really worried about my weight. She thinks I could have diabetes or high blood pressure and she thinks I need to change my eating and drinking habits because I could be a heart attack waiting to happen. Well, the horrible feelings just came rushing in and my day was ruined (believe me, the day went down hill from there). Of course I couldn't help but cry. I will take responsibility and say that yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds, couldn't we all? But for fuck's sake. To say that you're worried about me when in actuality you are worried that I don't LOOK perfect or the way you think I should is simply pathetic. She wants me to be a stick figure I think. I have boobs! BIG ONE'S! I have an ass, a JLo Booty if you will, I have HIPS, I HAVE CURVES. I'm pretty proportionate to be honest. Being a stick figure is just not in the cards for me and I have a feeling that if I was stick thin, she still wouldn't be satisfied. I know it's a little late but I am JUST figuring this out. Isn't it funny that even when you think you have a pretty normal family and you grew up okay the assholes are still fucking you up for life? I think I should have gone into psychiatry...you never see shrinks going out of business!
I'm feeling better today but my mom has called me 5 times and I haven't answered the phone. She finally left a message and said, "I hope you're not mad at me..." HA! I'm just not ready to speak to her. I'm thinking of sending her an email. A cop out I assume but I think if I try and talk to her I may cry and I don't want to. We'll see what happens...
So, my mom and my step dad have always been "health conscious". They work out regularly, they eat well, meaning, they don't eat much more than chicken and veggies (BORING), and whether they want to admit it or not, I think they are totally shallow and think that looking good is everything.
SO, since I was young I have been exposed to the aerobics classes, the rice cake era, my mom even took me to Jenny Craig when I was in middle school. They told me that in order to lose the weight I wanted I would have to get a letter from my doctor, meaning, I didn't need to lose that kind of weight. I have always considered myself a little overweight, I have NEVER felt comfortable with my body and this makes me really sad. When I look back at pictures of myself in middle school, high school, college and think what an IDIOT I must be! I was thin! I had a great body and I could never see it!
I have battled my "weight issues" all my life. I've abused laxatives, I've taken prescription diet pills illegally, I've taken every supplement from GNC you could think of and I've been on every, EVERY diet you could imagine. The damage I've done to my body is probably way beyond any good I've ever done. And I don't think ANYONE can relate to this unless it's something you have or you do go through, and I understand that.
Lately I've been feeling pretty good about myself. I've been going to the gym about 3 -4 times a week, I eat pretty well as it is, I admit I splurge every now and then but who doesn't? And that's not something I will ever deprive myself of. I'm of the opinion that if you work out and take care of yourself then you deserve a treat. I also love to cook and The Sweet One and I have a shared passion for food, it's not something I'm ashamed of what so ever. AND of course, the big one...I drink. I like to drink. During the week I am not out of control, I MAY drink one night out of the week but on the weekends I let loose and I don't see anything wrong with that either.
Well, TSO and I spent this past weekend with my mom. We had a great weekend and we all really enjoyed ourselves. When I got into work on Monday morning I had a message from my mom. She had called me at 4am! She told me that she was really worried about my weight. She thinks I could have diabetes or high blood pressure and she thinks I need to change my eating and drinking habits because I could be a heart attack waiting to happen. Well, the horrible feelings just came rushing in and my day was ruined (believe me, the day went down hill from there). Of course I couldn't help but cry. I will take responsibility and say that yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds, couldn't we all? But for fuck's sake. To say that you're worried about me when in actuality you are worried that I don't LOOK perfect or the way you think I should is simply pathetic. She wants me to be a stick figure I think. I have boobs! BIG ONE'S! I have an ass, a JLo Booty if you will, I have HIPS, I HAVE CURVES. I'm pretty proportionate to be honest. Being a stick figure is just not in the cards for me and I have a feeling that if I was stick thin, she still wouldn't be satisfied. I know it's a little late but I am JUST figuring this out. Isn't it funny that even when you think you have a pretty normal family and you grew up okay the assholes are still fucking you up for life? I think I should have gone into psychiatry...you never see shrinks going out of business!
I'm feeling better today but my mom has called me 5 times and I haven't answered the phone. She finally left a message and said, "I hope you're not mad at me..." HA! I'm just not ready to speak to her. I'm thinking of sending her an email. A cop out I assume but I think if I try and talk to her I may cry and I don't want to. We'll see what happens...
posted by The Funky Bee @ 6/13/2006 08:53:00 AM
6 Comments:
At 1:56 PM, June 13, 2006,
Oh great One said…
Wow. That would knock me for a loop too if my mom said that to me. I have a coupld of sister in laws who deal with this issue with their moms. It seems so hurtful.
I'm with you in that I feel like you can't deprive yourself. What fun is that? As long as you make smarter choices you should be able to have some perks!
I tried to think of something for you to tell your mom. All that comes to me is that you should tell her she was over the line and she hurt you deeply. I wish I had some wonderful advice but I don't. Good luck with this.
At 4:21 PM, June 13, 2006,
Andi said…
Wow, parents can be such assholes sometimes. I've been overweight all my life, and I had a crazy great grandmother who was constantly reminding me of that. She was a stick, a total whore in her younger days, ALL about appearances to cover up what a horrible person she was (thank God she's dead). Not that your mom is anything like this extreme, but just saying, I've been there. It amazes me that people will say things to others that I would never consider saying to my worst enemy. You are beautiful, and I'm glad you know there's nothing wrong with you. You have a great head on your shoulders and a great perspective to be able to separate yourself and realize that your mom is being a ditz. Keep your chin up and the phone off sweety.
((((Funky))))
At 4:37 PM, June 13, 2006,
The Funky Bee said…
thanks ladies. I spoke to one of my bestest friends who has dealt with this kind of crap all her life too and she had some of the same things to say. She told me to write my mom a letter...even if I don't actually send it. Maybe it will help me get some of the things I need to say to her off my chest. All I know is if I ever have a daughter i will NEVER make her so self conscious and skew her body image EVER. UUgghh!
At 6:47 PM, June 13, 2006,
Sassy said…
Wow. You know, as long as you're happy with yourself and like what you see in the mirror, nothing else should matter.
I am curvy too, I got the breasts and ass going on with a smaller waist. Sure I could stand to loose some weight, but I say the more meat the better the treat baby!
Maybe we should start a club? lol
At 6:48 PM, June 14, 2006,
Cold Hands said…
how in the hell did I miss this post yesterday?
I HATE to see parents who treat their children like that, I had friends growing up who had parents that pressured them to be stick thin.
I'm sorry she did that to you, but at least you can use it as a learning tool for how to NOT treat your children should yall choose to have any.
At 8:35 AM, June 15, 2006,
peachy said…
I'm the opposite. I'm a pick, yet my grandmother always says "did you gain some weight?" as if it was a bad thing. I'm like "No, I've been to the gym. I'm holding steady." Your mom obviously has her own issues. I feel bad that she points the finger at you instead of herself. That's rotten.
I know what you mean about not calling her because you'll cry. Sometimes I don't talk to my mom for the same reason. Hope you feel better B. We love you exactly the way you are. Dimples and all. :)
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